Relationship Stress #7 – enhance Your Failing Relationship and enhance…
What was Your Childhood Like?
Before you can go into into a mature and satisfying relationship, you need to get rid of some of the ghosts that have been haunting you. I had a woman in therapy recently who was 49 years of age. She was slightly overweight but not worryingly so. She was attractively dressed, spoke well, but was lacking in self-assurance. Her current problems were in her relationship where she did not feel valued; nor did she feel as though she was physically and sexually attractive to her partner.
After we explored issues for a while, especially early developmental issues, she blurted; “When I was nine years old, my mother told me I was fat and would never get anyone to marry me if I stayed fat.” After exploring this issue for some time, it became obvious that my patient was nevertheless shocked, upset and disabled by something her mother had said 40 years before. My patient had lived with this maternal outburst and grieved all of her adult life. This grieving had rule her to feel unwanted, unlovable, and inadequate.
The issue was that this early childhood experience had impaired this very personable woman and reduced her ability to feel self-assured, sexy, exciting, and lovable. She carried these feelings into her relationship and her continued reflections on one negative aspect of her life had reduced her capacity to build a vigorous, positive relationship with her partner. How sad!
How Do I Build a Positive Me?
My point in this fleeting clinical history? I often say you cannot excursion your life by looking in the rear vision mirror. We all have our proportion of unhappy early experiences but we have usually had ten times that number of positive experiences. To rebuild a relationship, you need to rebuild yourself. Audit yourself. List your talents, achievements, and personal and physical features that make you individual, attractive, desirable. Live in the moment – don’t wallow in the past. Enjoy today and dream for a wonderful tomorrow. proportion your positive feelings with your partner. When you feel more assured and comfortable with yourself, you focus more on what you can give to, and how you can enjoy, your partner. If you are going to expend energy on self-reflection, make sure that it makes you more confident, sensual, exciting, and relaxed.
Resolve Long-Standing Developmental Issues that Interfere with Intimacy
One of the most wonderful parts of a loving relationship is intimacy. I say to my patients “Intimacy is about closeness, caring, warmth – it is not only about sexual congress.” Intimacy is basic to continue a loving, healthy, lasting relationship. Many men have unresolved issues from their childhood when it comes to being gentle, caring, affectionate, and intimate. It is wise to resolve these long-standing issues (most of which are denied by the men) as they get in the way of a close physical and intimate relationship. Some women, tragically, have had abuse or mistreatment that colors their self-assurance about being physically creative, open, and exploratory. in spite of of what has happened that might make people nervous about engaging in a trusting, intimate relationship, development of this reciprocal closeness is basic when building or rebuilding a relationship.
Work Consistently and Energetically on Your Relationship.
Here’s where the big C for commitment comes in. if you are really committed to this relationship, you will put effort into making the partnership happy, exciting, and rewarding. A relationship is an organic entity – it needs to be nurtured and nourished; it needs continued attention. A relationship is a positively balanced and healthy reciprocal engagement with another; your relationship needs as much attention as your job, your house, your children and your extended family and community.
Stop right now and ask yourself: “Am I putting enough effort into this relationship? Am I too committed to other parts of my life – my health club, my friends, my children, my work? How often recently have I really thought about how I can excite and inspire my partner?” In some ways, you have to re-prioritize. All of us have multiple demands on our time and our energy. We are all multi-taskers. We are all busy people but we should never be too busy to put time and energy into our loved one.
Are You Ready to Reduce Relationship Stress and retrieve from a Failed Relationship?
What I have said in this article is mostly shared sense. And yes, I know building a relationship or rebuilding a failing relationship is harder than I make out. But you have to start somewhere no matter how small. If you have a small stone in your shoe, your journey is uncomfortable. You have to stop to remove that discomfort so you can enjoy the journey. The same is true of your relationship. Often the problem causing the failing relationship is a minor irritant but an irritant nevertheless. Start today by engaging in some honest self-reflection. Ask yourself some hard questions. When you start to get the answers that will rebuild the relationship, clarify goals and strategies. Yes, you do have to be this well-organized because this is not only an important part of your life – this is your life. Best wishes.